Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Everyone’s family
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.