Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
You Might Also Like
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Why am I like this?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.