I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
scared to check what name she chose
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.