My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*