*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.