Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
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I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Teach your children to beatbox
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read