@JustMeTurtle

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

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@NervousJr

Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.

Explain morning people.

@qwertying

Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.

@PhoenixRises69

Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.

I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.

@McClaneJohn2

I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.

@mommajessiec

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

@Aikiwomannc

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

@IamEnidColeslaw

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

@Reverend_Scott

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.