Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.
Explain morning people.
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
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Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.
Wife: [sends text] WTF!
Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.
Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.
I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.
I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.