Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
You Might Also Like
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
dream blunt rotation
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
peep davidson
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
so, is there a mister shapen head
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT