Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
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so this horse walks into a bar
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?