One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
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*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch