Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
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[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I identify as an antique shop.
Donkey Kong sommelier
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”