Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
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Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks