Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.