Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.