Just found out I’m pregnant. At least that’s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
Just when you think your heart’s completely broken, it breaks a lil more.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.