Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
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My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Encore…
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad: