@wokkax3

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

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@Coops_Bradley

Just found out I’m pregnant. At least that’s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.

@bourgeoisalien

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@jonnysun

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

@Liam26x

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

@CulturedRuffian

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

@Trudacious

Just when you think your heart’s completely broken, it breaks a lil more.

@SardonicTart

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

@noog

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

@TheAlexNevil

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

@SardonicTart

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.