Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
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I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come