nobody’s gonna understand
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
This anagram machine is out of order.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants