nobody’s gonna understand
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Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information