“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
You Might Also Like
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.