@EmissaryKerry

Nomads were like well there goes the neighborhood.

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@Contwixt

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@vineyille

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

@ArfMeasures

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

@MorganJ7

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

@TheHyyyype

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

@DaddyJew

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

@david8hughes

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

@KeetPotato

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

@ch000ch

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…