@EmissaryKerry

Nomads were like well there goes the neighborhood.

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@mexinonblonde

Fun Fact:
You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren’t able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@TweetPotato314

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

@beefman138

*At Railway station

Me : Can I get a return ticket please?

Station attendant : Where to?

Me : Here.

@Sephira

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

@Ygrene

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

@TheToddWilliams

[Eating ribs at BBQ Joint]
“Would you like a Wet-Nap?”
No thanks, I had one this afternoon.

@disaster_dog

if there were a zombie apocalypse i’d save a lot of kids but it would be only because i’d need them later to feed zombies so i can run away