Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME