When ur friends with white people
Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.
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It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Reasons people get divorced:
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy