@novicefather

Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.

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@AlanFelyk

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

@FillWerrell

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

@KarenKilgariff

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

@NoTheOtherJohn

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@LindaInDisguise

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

@GingerGander

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

@dinnersruined

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

@mommajessiec

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy