@theshantilly

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

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@YahooAnswersTXT

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

@JohnLyonTweets

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

@Home_Halfway

Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.

@Vodkantots

“We hug and kiss, but people just don’t lick each other.”

-yet another lie I just told my toddler

@UncleDuke1969

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

@wife_housy

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

@popcorn_dog

[Dark room]

**taco crunch**

Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium

**slow taco crunch**

@iGreenMonk

Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude.

Be positive!

Communicate!

Hide when real work comes!

@TweetPotato314

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH