Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Awesome. I know.”
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A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.
“We hug and kiss, but people just don’t lick each other.”
-yet another lie I just told my toddler
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium
**slow taco crunch**
Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude.
Hide when real work comes!
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?