Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
For those that worship cheese..
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.