None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
You Might Also Like
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Do not steal food from the science building!
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now