Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
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The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired