@jonnysun

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

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@bumdog7

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

@818Newbie

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

@panmidwest

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

@WhatsAGreenhorn

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

@TheBoydP

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

@causticbob

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

@PoodleSnarf

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

@BoomBoomBetty

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

@MartinPilgrim1

1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.

@mack44_d

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.