@jonnysun

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

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@EpicurusRising

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!!

*holds up severed head

The crowd stared in horror as the National Spelling Bee contest took a morbid twist.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

@realHamOnWry

What did I learn today?

Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

@batkaren

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

@5hael

My ceiling fan has three setting:
– very slow
– slow
– I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

@fro_vo

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

@TheAlexNevil

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

@lukeplusone

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.