I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
ME: what language is this
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.
Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party
My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.