Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.