Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*