nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
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LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My purse is deeper than some people.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.