I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
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It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf