NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
mentally somewhere in italy
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.