“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
This is not me but this is me
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died