Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]