Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Can’t. Being lazy.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
scares
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.