Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

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My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.


Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha


if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body


Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.


accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on


Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.


Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front


My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.


ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.