If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
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Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
There are no pants in heaven.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did