My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The Struggle
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
i hate you platonically
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning