normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
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guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.