The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[at my house after 1st date]
me: so, do you wanna have some sex?
her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass
Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people’s attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad