@OneFunnyMummy

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

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@MyNameIsArchaic

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

@OllyiConic

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

@sarcasm_inc

“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.

@behindyourback

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

@david8hughes

[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia

@Birdhumms

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

@ClichedOut

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.