Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
You Might Also Like
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
every college guy’s fridge
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]