Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

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I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.


When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”


Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds


My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.


My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.


Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.


Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING


I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.


Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.