@MorganJ7

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

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@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

@YSylon

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

@theshantilly

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

@maughammom

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

@Cheeseboy22

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

@BigHern

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

@AntozWolf

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

@OutOfLeftField_

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.