Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m sorry…what?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
*pokes sex life with a stick
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Breaking news:
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.