@Pork_Chop_Hair

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

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@wittwitbarista

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

@NrouteHQ

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

@SJSchauer

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

@hmmwalsh

Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they’re going to say something wrong.

@TheTalkingPipe

The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.

@GregDorris

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

@ClichedOut

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

@realHamOnWry

Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.