Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.


The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes


Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.


Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies


Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they’re going to say something wrong.


The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.


It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.


They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.


Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.