Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?