@shutupmikeginn

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

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@TheAlexNevil

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

@GreenishDuck

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

@Sickayduh

BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night
SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility
CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I’m stuck in a tree

@rickkondell

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

@ArfMeasures

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

@Freak_N_Geeky

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

@Try2StopME

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

@Breadery

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

@drankturpentine

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}