@shutupmikeginn

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

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@I_am_carbs

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

@ShortSleeveSuit

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

@lovemydogduck

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

@mommajessiec

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

@NicestHippo

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

@mayamanion

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

@TheRolo

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

@KeetPotato

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

@sssub23

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…