Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
You Might Also Like
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.