Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
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[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.