Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
What the hell happened here.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often