@Tmoney68

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

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@1MeLrO

It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart

@TweetsByKaylee

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine

@KeetPotato

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

@Blueorsomething

This restraining order says I have to stay 100 yards away, but this telescope makes it feel like I’m right in your bedroom with you.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

@ADHDeanASL

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

@foodfacenow

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

@o__0Dev

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

@badbanana

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.