Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
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*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
yea so i messed up lol
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.