[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
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My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Stop it! 😂
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I feel this so hard
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now