Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
You Might Also Like
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Pretty much. 🤣
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
The asteroid..
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.