Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend