Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

groan^2

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake