[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Lmfaoooooo
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
so, is there a mister shapen head
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore